In the latest issue of the Banner (monthly publication of the CRC) there was a Q&A response asking about how to handle a situation with a daughter who is 19 and wants to return to an abusive relationship with a former boyfriend. The unfortunate advice was "she's an adult now, just love her". That's an over-simplified version, but...
Here's my response and advice to these parents:
I find this answer about the 19-year-old to miss the mark and test of scripture. Part of our responsibility as parents is to prepare our children for their adult life. That can be challenging, but it is our call from God to do that.
The claim that "now that your daughter is 19, it is imperative that you allow her to make her own decisions" is a premise of our culture, not of scripture. We are led to believe that at age 18, young men and women are magically transformed and we must leave them be. It is like pushing them out of the nest hoping they'll fly. It is assumed that throughout their childhood we are leading and guiding them, and now suddenly we "must stop". Where do we find that in scripture?
What do we find in scripture?
We find by example that children are the responsibility of parents to raise them in the "discipline and instruction of The Lord". There is a clear mandate here for fathers to prepare them for their life through teaching them God's Word. If we have done this faithfully, they will have a good, strong basis for making better decisions. If this has not been done or has been delegated by the father to someone else, we should expect less than the best results, for we stray from God's instruction and command.
Second, we find by example and implied command that parents should be involved in the selection of a spouse. This doesn't mean "arranged marriages", but it does mean parental counsel, evaluation, and approval. Historically, we have the wedding ceremony when the father gives away the daughter to the new groom. This demonstrates the approval of the father in this union. It is symbolic of the passing of authority and responsibility to protect and provide for her from the father to her new primary authority, her husband. The father does not only have the desire, but the responsibility to "protect her from an abusive relationship".
We find that example and command for parental involvement in spouse selection clearly in Jeremiah 29:6, "take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage". This implies parental involvement, but is not blind in taking and giving. There is biblical criteria for marriage, Jeremiah isn't giving counsel against that, but simply does not repeat that here in this passage.
When our sons and daughters are making a "poor relationship choice" and we give counsel against that relationship, it is difficult for us and for them. It may be painful at the time, but "it yields the fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Especially with relationship choices, which can have long-term effects and even harm, we must give guidance, and even discipline. Parents who do not discipline in such extreme circumstances are harming and neglecting their children, they treat them as "illegitimate". "The Lord disciplines those he loves." (See Hebrews 12)
This false sense of independence and maturation at some magical age, like 19, causes so much harm to families and to the Christian faith. It stands directly counter to our command to "teach our children" and to "make disciples". Transitioning to maturity, and giving guided responsibility, as our young men and women transition to independent adults can be a tricky process and act to balance. We all do our best, yet fail at times along the way. But to simply advise to "learn to let go, and she will learn to do what is best" is naive and contrary to scripture.
To "cheer her on when she makes a good decision" is great advice, we all need to be encouraging in our parenting and mentoring. But to "learn to be silent when she does not" is to ignore training and instruction, it is to ignore discipling and disciplining. These things require both sides of the balance and treating them in the process with respect, but also with authority (while they are in your jurisdiction).
What's my advice to the parents of this 19 year-old?
God gives fathers responsibility and authority over children, including young adults, until which time that authority or independence is turned over to another. Their relationship then turns from primary protector to secondary; it moves from commander to counsellor. Until that point of marriage, your daughter is under your authority and protection. To turn her over to a known physically abusive relationship (spouse or boyfriend) is a neglect of his godly duty as father. Have a direct and honest conversation with your daughter and explain to her the better outcome that you desire for her. You desire the best for her, and until that young man, or another can show that he is qualified and worthy of turning your daughter over to her, she must wait.
