The Banner: Stand Back and Allow Your Daughter to be Abused?

In the latest issue of the Banner (monthly publication of the CRC) there was a Q&A response asking about how to handle a situation with a daughter who is 19 and wants to return to an abusive relationship with a former boyfriend. The unfortunate advice was "she's an adult now, just love her". That's an over-simplified version, but...

Here's my response and advice to these parents:


I find this answer about the 19-year-old to miss the mark and test of scripture. Part of our responsibility as parents is to prepare our children for their adult life. That can be challenging, but it is our call from God to do that.

The claim that "now that your daughter is 19, it is imperative that you allow her to make her own decisions" is a premise of our culture, not of scripture. We are led to believe that at age 18, young men and women are magically transformed and we must leave them be. It is like pushing them out of the nest hoping they'll fly. It is assumed that throughout their childhood we are leading and guiding them, and now suddenly we "must stop". Where do we find that in scripture?

What do we find in scripture?

We find by example that children are the responsibility of parents to raise them in the "discipline and instruction of The Lord". There is a clear mandate here for fathers to prepare them for their life through teaching them God's Word. If we have done this faithfully, they will have a good, strong basis for making better decisions. If this has not been done or has been delegated by the father to someone else, we should expect less than the best results, for we stray from God's instruction and command.

Second, we find by example and implied command that parents should be involved in the selection of a spouse. This doesn't mean "arranged marriages", but it does mean parental counsel, evaluation, and approval. Historically, we have the wedding ceremony when the father gives away the daughter to the new groom. This demonstrates the approval of the father in this union. It is symbolic of the passing of authority and responsibility to protect and provide for her from the father to her new primary authority, her husband. The father does not only have the desire, but the responsibility to "protect her from an abusive relationship".

We find that example and command for parental involvement in spouse selection clearly in Jeremiah 29:6, "take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage". This implies parental involvement, but is not blind in taking and giving. There is biblical criteria for marriage, Jeremiah isn't giving counsel against that, but simply does not repeat that here in this passage.

When our sons and daughters are making a "poor relationship choice" and we give counsel against that relationship, it is difficult for us and for them. It may be painful at the time, but "it yields the fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Especially with relationship choices, which can have long-term effects and even harm, we must give guidance, and even discipline. Parents who do not discipline in such extreme circumstances are harming and neglecting their children, they treat them as "illegitimate". "The Lord disciplines those he loves." (See Hebrews 12)

This false sense of independence and maturation at some magical age, like 19, causes so much harm to families and to the Christian faith. It stands directly counter to our command to "teach our children" and to "make disciples". Transitioning to maturity, and giving guided responsibility, as our young men and women transition to independent adults can be a tricky process and act to balance. We all do our best, yet fail at times along the way. But to simply advise to "learn to let go, and she will learn to do what is best" is naive and contrary to scripture.

To "cheer her on when she makes a good decision" is great advice, we all need to be encouraging in our parenting and mentoring. But to "learn to be silent when she does not" is to ignore training and instruction, it is to ignore discipling and disciplining. These things require both sides of the balance and treating them in the process with respect, but also with authority (while they are in your jurisdiction).

What's my advice to the parents of this 19 year-old?

God gives fathers responsibility and authority over children, including young adults, until which time that authority or independence is turned over to another. Their relationship then turns from primary protector to secondary; it moves from commander to counsellor. Until that point of marriage, your daughter is under your authority and protection. To turn her over to a known physically abusive relationship (spouse or boyfriend) is a neglect of his godly duty as father. Have a direct and honest conversation with your daughter and explain to her the better outcome that you desire for her. You desire the best for her, and until that young man, or another can show that he is qualified and worthy of turning your daughter over to her, she must wait.

Is it a Biblical Requirement for Christians to Support Israel?

This is a thorny issue, and one on which many Christians disagree. I do not intend to provide a detailed list of how we should or shouldn't. However, we can look at a few scripture passages in the New Testament which can provide a very basic framework for how to think about and evaluate each situation. Not everyone will land on the same conclusion.

The basic premise used to support a requirement to support the nation of Israel is that she is God's chosen people (stated throughout the Bible) and that all nations will be blessed through Israel. You can see the original covenant with Abraham in Genesis 18:18 "all nations on earth will be blessed through him." and also in the New Testament in Galatians 3:8 Paul explains it "The Scripture foresaw that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, and announced the gospel in advance to Abraham: 'All nations will be blessed through you.'"

We must respect and honor that God worked through Israel in history, and our salvation came from the Jews (John 4:22), namely Jesus was born of Israel. The Messiah was promised to the Israelites in their scripture and culture. They believe it is unfulfilled, but we know the Messiah is fulfilled in Christ.

There are clear Biblical indications that God has not totally discarded Israel, but will restore them after a time. This is explained in Romans 11, starting with the first verse, "Did God reject his people? By no means! I am an Israelite myself, a descendant of Abraham, from the tribe of Benjamin." and clearly in verses 26, 28-29, "so all Israel will be saved...   As far as the gospel is concerned, they are your enemies; but as far as election is concerned, they are loved on account of the patriarchs, for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable." But also, through Romans 11, it says several times that they were "hardened", signifying a hardening of their hearts until the right time. They collectively are in a period of discipline by God for their rejection of Christ as the Messiah.

Paul explains in Ephesians 1:9-10 that "he made known to us the mystery of his will...to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ". In Ephesians 3:6 he says "This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus." and Ephesians 2:13 says that "[the Gentiles] who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ", and verse 16, "in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross"  So we are united with them by the cross and the blood of Christ.

In a general sense, God has not forgotten them, they are a remnant of his people. He will bring us together in the end. However, those who reject the cross and the blood of Christ, have rejected Him and are not reconciled to us. We should treat them as a "prodigal brother", a brother who has fallen away and needs to be restored through Christ and repentance.

Seating Women Delegates at Classis

Our classis has been discussing the possibility of seating women delegates at our Classis meetings. It is my recommendation that we maintain the requirement of male office bearers as delegates to Classis meetings and not seat women as delegates. There are several approaches people have used to address this issue, but in the end it comes down to God’s Word. If we don’t discuss and make decisions based on scripture, we have no real basis other than pragmatism and popular opinion. The following is the summary of my arguments, and answers to some common objections.

Argument:

1. Scripture is our guide for all things, it is inspired, infallible, and sufficient in all that it speaks of (everything). ^{[BC Article 3,5,7; 2 Timothy 3:16-17, 2 Peter 1:16-21]}
2. Women are equally valued by God throughout scripture, but have different roles and order within the family and church. ^{[Gen 1:27, Gal 3:28, Titus 2, Romans 16:1, 1 Timothy 2:8-10,15]}
3. Scripture teaches plainly from front to back regarding headship, authority, and teaching being placed in male heads of household. ^{[Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:2,8, Ephesians 5:23, Exodus 18:21, Numbers 21:16-17, the apostles, the disciples, the tribes of Israel]}
1. It is taught through didactic passages, through principles, and through examples.
2. It is an example of Christ and his church seen through marriage of husband and wife.
3. The clearer passages are used to help interpret the less clear passages.
4. Biblical authority starts with Christ as our head; for all of us individually and as a church.            ^{[1 Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 4:15, 5:23, Colossians 1:18]}
1. God has established the church to communicate the gospel and build up the body.
2. Leadership in the church is put in place as a plurality of elders stewarding Christ’s body.
3. Any assembly of churches, such as Classis or Synod do not hold primary authority over the local church.
4. We band together as like-minded brothers in Christ to faithfully follow God’s Law and share and grow in the gospel of grace.
5. Our witness to the world is seen through the visible church and likewise should not conform to the patterns of this world. ^{[Romans 12:2, Acts 1:8, Mark 13:9, Deuteronomy 4:6-8]}
1. Our culture distorts the biblical view of men and women created in the image of God.
2. Our culture seeks to destroy the good purpose and witness that God has created.

Summary:

Seeking to be as honest and faithful as we can to operate as a biblically functioning church, we urge Classis not to adopt changes to seat women delegates.

Talking Points and Questions

Q.   Isn’t all this an ongoing battle between men and women?
A.    This is not an issue of discrimination. It is an issue of biblical interpretation. Men and women are both sinful and have both given us examples of poor execution or poor understanding. In proper understanding, this is not an issue of men trying to hold power and keep women out. It is Christians seeking to faithfully interpret and practically apply the word of God to every aspect of their lives. We will make errors, but we seek to be faithful and encourage one another in the body of Christ. They best way to do this is through God’s Word.
A.    When men are harsh or abusive, men add to the argument for equality; God couldn’t have meant that. When men are cowardly or silent, they show weakness and are not good representatives to provide godly headship in the marriage.

Q.   Didn’t Synod allow for each church to choose for themselves?

A.    Yes, but…our head is Christ, we submit to His headship in the church, as expressed through His Word revealed to us in scripture. When scripture and Synod come into conflict, we submit first to scripture. Just as Peter and John did in Acts 4: 19, when they say, “Whether it is right in the sight of God to listen to you rather than to God, you must judge.” We also seek to live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18)

Q.   Isn’t it better to have a woman elder, rather than a man who doesn’t desire it, or no elders?

A.    Paul writes to Titus (1:5) to “straighten out what was left unfinished and appoint elders in every town, as I directed you.” He follows that immediately with the qualifications for an elder, exclusively referring to the elder as a male, both directly and implied. Alexander Strauch quotes Jon Zens and writes “Better have no elders than the wrong ones”. The local church must in all earnestness insist on biblically qualified elders, even if such men take years to develop. We could recommend a number of resources, including Alexander Strauch’s book, “Biblical Eldership: An Urgent Call to Restore Biblical Church Leadership” for those wishing to develop qualified male elders.

Q.   If each church is under the stewardship of it’s elders, then why can’t (or shouldn’t) they delegate whom they wish?

A.    First, the steward is not the head, he must act on behalf of our head, Christ. Second, Christ left us with qualifications spelled out in His written word for church leadership. Third, we do not wish to “put a stumbling block in our brother’s way”, nor to “do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.” Romans 14:13,15,21

Q.   Can women not teach at all?

A.    The bible does not command that women may not teach at all. We first must understand Paul’s letter to Timothy where he says, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” (1 Timothy 2:12) is in the context of public worship. However, we read Paul instructing Titus (2:3-5), “Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” However, 1 Corinthians 14:34 says “women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says.” Women are not to teach in the churches (publicly).

Q.   What about a woman who is gifted and able to teach, should we not use her gifts to teach all in the church?

A.    See the previous answer. Women who are gifted to teach, have a proper place and are allowed to teach in those contexts, but not others.

Q.   Why do we insist on the concept of headship today?

A.    Because it is biblical, and illustrates God the Father’s headship over us. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11:3 “Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” He continues in verse 10, “For this reason, and because of the angels, the woman ought to have a sign of authority on her head.” It’s not cultural! We demonstrate our submission to Christ through submission in other relationships. Most, if not all, of us live with one or more of these relationship where we must submit to those in authority over us.
A.    This is made most clear in Ephesians 5 when Paul speaks of the husband and wife relationship as the same as the relationship between Christ and his bride (the church). Paul starts with a general statement to submit to one another, then explains specific situations and ways in which we are to submit. He characterizes wives in submission, and husbands as heads in the marriage relationship. “[21] Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. [22] Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. [23] For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. [24] Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. [25] Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her [26] to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, [27] and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. [28] In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [29] After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— [30] for we are members of his body. [31] “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” [32] This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. [33] However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Q.   Most of this refers to elders, what about female deacons?

A.    The church in the New Testament is under the oversight of a plurality of elders (Acts 14:23, 15, James 5:14, Philippians 1:1, Titus 1:5, 1 Peter 5:1). It is built on the apostles and prophets (Ephesians 2:19-20), and seen as sprouted but unfinished when elders are not yet established (Titus 1:5). The primary passage for diaconal ministry is Acts 6. It delegates a separate task to the deacons, but also refers specifically to “choose…men from among you”, rather than women or more generically “people”.

Q.   Doesn’t Galatians 3:28 erase all distinctions between male and female?

A.    Galatians tells us “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” The context around us tells us that we are “all sons of God through faith in Christ”, it is Christ and baptism into Christ that brings equality. We are all “Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.” This is not speaking of the government and rule of the church.

Q.   Following 1 Corinthians 14:35, what does a single woman do, who has no husband to ask?

A.    In 1 Corinthians 14:35 Paul writes, “If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.”. There’s nothing really hard about this. Any young woman is first, under the authority of her father. When she gets married, the primary authority transfers to her husband. If she remains unmarried, or is divorced, or widowed she has other godly men in her life. She may ask her father, her elder, an older brother, or other godly men in the church.

Q.   What happens when wives submit to their husbands?

A.    When women are silent, men speak up. When women submit, their children submit and obey. When women honor authority, children learn to honor authority. If we desire, and require, male leadership, we must act biblically and challenge men to fight the urge of their old self to sit back and let others lead.

Q.   How are men called to headship and leadership?

A.    Men are called to lead in several relationships in scripture, men must be encouraged  to fulfill their biblical responsibility. This starts in the home and family, as fathers are called to bring up their children in the “training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4) Also, to cleanse his wife “by the washing with water of the word” (Ephesians 5:26). Often husbands and fathers neglect or delegate these responsibilities to others, and thus neglect God’s commands to them. When men are weak in their headship and neglect these responsibilities, women often step up and carry it out.

Q.   Aren’t there examples of female leadership in the Bible?

A.    Priscilla, the wife of Aquila, was never described as engaging in any ministry that would be a contradiction with 1 Timothy 2. Acts 18:25 says that “…they invited him to their home and explained to him the way of God more adequately.” The husband and wife invited him into their home together. Whether or not Priscilla taught him, or simply took part in hospitality, makes little difference. The home is not the church, this was not a public speaking or teaching from a woman to a man. It was likely led by the husband and added to or supported by the wife, assuming a biblical husband and wife relationship as explained in Ephesians.
A.    Phoebe was a servant of the church in Romans 16:1. Some translations say deaconess. However, we must be careful here about using this term by it’s meaning or by it’s office. The Greek work used here can mean “waiter,” “servant,” “steward,” or “messenger.” All of these meanings are valid meanings and use for those even outside the official church office of deacon. If we consider it as the office of deacon, there is a distinction here where “able to teach” is not a qualification for deacon as it is for elder. “Among its general usages, “deacon” refers to a waiter at meals (John 2:5,9), a king's attendant (Matthew 22:13), a servant of Satan (2 Corinthians 11:15), a servant of God (2 Corinthians 6:4), a servant of Christ (2 Corinthians 11:23), a servant of the church (Colossians 1:24-25), and a political ruler (Romans 13:4).”
A.    Old Testament, there were occasional women leaders in ancient Israel. Deborah was one example, she was ruling during the time of the judges. She was the only female judge among 13 male judges. Judges 4:1, “And the people again did what was evil in the sight of the Lord after Ehud died.” And that time was characterized in Judges 21:25, “In those days there was no king in Israel. Everyone did what was right in his own eyes.” Through Moses, we understand that they were under discipline or God’s wrath when they were under the headship of any other besides qualified males from among them. Isaiah 3:12-17 states this clearly, “My people—infants are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O my people, your guides mislead you and they have swallowed up the course of your paths. […] The LORD said: Because the daughters of Zion are haughty and walk with outstretched necks, glancing wantonly with their eyes, mincing along as they go, tinkling with their feet, therefore the Lord will strike with a scab the heads of the daughters of Zion, and the LORD will lay bare their secret parts.” Jeremiah 5:19 says “And when your people say, ‘Why has the LORD our God done all these things to us?’ you shall say to them, ‘As you have forsaken me and served foreign gods in your land, so you shall serve foreigners in a land that is not yours.’”

Q.   Gender isn’t black and white, consider the efforts of “genderbread”, how can we make clear distinctions when life isn’t that clear?

A.    A more thorough explanation could be made. Genderbread defines gender not in biological terms, but in by stereotypical behaviors or preferences. Likewise, your maleness and femaleness is defined in gradients of male or female. Therefore, they have “redefined” gender and grayed the lines. This, at its core, is simply circular reasoning and is contrary to the clearer, historic, and biblical meaning of gender. For a Christian to follow this reasoning, is wrong, and is a conforming to this world (Romans 12:2) rather than God’s will.

Q.   How are women valued in scripture?

A.    Women will be redeemed in child bearing. [Genesis 3:16] We have the great honor of motherhood. [Genesis 3:20] Also as a wife, she is a helper for her husband [Genesis 2:24]. Older women will teach the younger women to love their husbands and children and keepers at home. [Titus 2;1,3-5] Noble women in Proverbs speak of wisdom, makes linen garments, and watches over the affairs of her household. [Proverbs 31:10+]